First part of this post, will be the journal notes that I kept on my phone as I was going through this. I don't usual keep a journal in my phone but felt impressed to do so for this occasion. I haven't shown this to anyone, not even Matt. But I need it out there to help someone if they need to by chance read it and to help me heal. At the end of this post, I will add my continuing thoughts and feelings as of today and why I finally decided to post.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------New baby ?
7/27/15 - took dollar store prego test. Negative
7/30/15 - took a "+" or "-" prego test. The "+" was very vague that I thought it wasn't real, so while out to dinner with turkey I bought another one. When we got back to my house I took the test, said not pregnant. Oh boy was I relieved!
8/1/15 went to bear lake and didn't even think about it.
8/6/15 - took another test in the morning so my hcg levels would be higher. Came back "pregnant"
Called the doctor to get an ultra sound scheduled for 8/12/15. Wait and see
8/11/15 - anticipation for the ultra sound sucks!
8/12/15 - apprehensive sitting in the ultra sound room waiting for the technician who is out talking to someone
- results - see yolk sack, but no heartbeat as yolk sack only measured 5 weeks 2 days.
- had to get blood work to see HCG levels need to come back on Friday 8/14/15 for another round of blood work
- results should be back on Monday, August 17th
- scheduled an ultra sound for Wed. August 19th at 2:15pm
- now the waiting begins. I thought I was further along than I am showing so there could be a problem. Have to wait another week and see.
8/13/15 - dr office called said levels were at 1864.
8/14/15 - have a horrible cold. Still went in for blood work.
8/17/15 - nursing Logan and got a call at 8:40 am. HCG levels didn't double but did increase to 3160. Still not conclusive of being pregnant for sure with a viable baby. Have to wait for ultra sound on 8/19/15 at 2:15 pm. Still waiting. Dreading outcome of pregnant especially if I have to be as sick as I was. Makes me bawl like a little baby every day I think about it.
8/19/15 - had my ultra sound. Didn't hear the heartbeat but saw the heart flicker on the ultra sound. Heart beat was only 80 beats a minute. Not a good sign. Talked to Dr. Langer and she said with the dates being off and the heartbeat being slow these are all red flags. Need to have another ultra sound on 8/27/15 to see the progression of the baby. Now just the waiting game. Baby would be due on April 11th, 2016.
8/27/15 - baby had a heart beat again but it was slow. Only grew 2 days in the past 8. Went from 5 weeks 6 days to 6 weeks 1 day. Yolk sack is also larger than it should be. Baby is still high in the uterus and not showing signs of a miscarriage yet along those lines. Dr Langer thinks a miscarriage is imminent and we are just waiting out for the heart beat to stop.
9/9/15 - the ultra sound tech that did my ultra sound for the 3rd miscarriage was the same for this one. She knew Matt through school. No heartbeat this time. D&C scheduled for September 10th. As I was getting dressed, I heard the heartbeat of the baby from the next door room. Made my heart break a bit!
9/10/15 - didn't have the heart to write about the actual day.
(account written today 1/21/2016) Matt and I headed to Riverton hospital bright and early in the morning - 5:30am bright and early. We arrived at the hospital and it was like a flash back of 3 months before. Falling the baby foot steps to the elevator to deliver Logan. This time was for a D&C and I would never be coming back to deliver a baby again. I cried as we went up the elevator.
The D&C was suppose to take place at 7:00am, but we arrived and found out Dr. Langer was at Jordan Valley Hospital delivering a baby, so my surgery got pushed back. So Matt and I hung out and waited. Horrible wait of emotions and not wanting to be there, but making the best of it. Time ticked away, we were suppose to be home, so I could be recovering and get back on the schedule to nurse Logan. I had to pump and dump twice after being on anesthesia before I could nurse again. Time ticked away and my breasts were getting full of milk.
So I asked the nurse about Matt going home and getting my pump. They were fantastic and told me they would go find a pump. Matt and I joked that it was the "iron lung" of pumps. I was able to pump so fast, told Matt I wanted one for home.
Dr. Langer finally got to the hospital and prepped me for surgery at 10am. The anesthesiologist was fantastic and so nice. I was so tired from having been up through the night feeding Logan and having to be at the hospital so early. I ended up falling asleep as they wheeled me down the hallway before we even got into the room.
My heart was given something to hold onto and love when we returned home.
9/17/15 - for the past couple days, all I have wanted to do is cry. Matt asked me why and I just told him I don't know. So many feelings and confusing thoughts. I really feel like we lost another baby. I do feel and know it was for the best as I have prayed a lot to Heavenly Father over the course of the pregnancy but I never wanted to see the heart beat. Why did I ever have to see the heart beat and know the baby was there? I didn't fight for it. I didn't hope for it. Maybe if I would have been open to it, it would be better. I just didn't want hope to come in case of a loss. I never had hope for a baby until they were in my arms, cause of the miscarriage we experienced when all HOPE had been put on the pregnancy 6 years ago. We heard a heart beat, I was a bit sick, and then I went back for an ultra sound and the heart beat was gone. I felt lost and completely out of hope. Arlee was born the next day after D&C. I was angry and mad at Heavenly Father. How could he finally fill our hope of being pregnant and take it away?!
Now I had Logan and he was only 3 months old. How was I going to be pregnant and be able to take care of him? How would I be happy and handle Kara's hyper and excited attitude of the days with me just wanting to lay on the couch and do nothing. I feel I am struggling this time around like I haven't wanted to. Thoughts and feelings are confusing. Happy I feel better, liking food, enjoy my kids and not just wanting to yell at Kara, but I feel sad still. Hoping for a happier and brighter tomorrow
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Well today is 1/29/2016, I am finally finishing this post. Why a week later? I wanted to make sure the ultra sound picture was included and couldn't get my computer to scan.
When I started writing this on 1/21/2016, I had a lot more feelings I was thinking of writing, but they have kinda cooled down now. It might be that I have finally documented a piece of life that is pretty big for our family as this last miscarriage and the experience cemented that we are done having kids.
I am just so thankful for my family. We have 2 fantastically beautiful, energetic, drive me crazy, want to smother them with hugs and kisses, kids. We had a long journey to get here - years of infertility, 5 miscarriages, and 3 failed adoptions. We have people that are close to us that are going through all these struggles that we have and more that we didn't even get exposed to in regards to adding a child to their life. I just want to send love to you...if I can help let me know. I think it is one of the hardest challenges in this life that you can't control.
HOPE - Heaven Opens Promises Everyday. Is what I came up with so long ago to help me get through and think of it often.
